As the year draws to a close and the days grow short, we tend to turn inwards. Most of us spend time reflecting on our achievements and challenges of the year past. If we set New Year’s resolutions last January, we might dig them up. Regardless, many of us conduct a mental review, considering the question, “How did I do?”
As a trained psychotherapist and writer of self-help books, I am a strong believer in setting milestones. Fixing our sights on attainable as well as stretch goals can help us to stay focused, prioritize, commit, and get things done. At the end of the day, when we do reach our goals, we feel a well-deserved sense of satisfaction.
And yet, this practice of evaluating and assessing the year as a stand-alone, 12-month chunk concerns me. What happens when we don’t reach our goals within that narrow time frame? (And many of us don’t. In fact, research indicates that 80% of people have broken their New Year’s resolutions by Valentine’s Day.) We are prone to judging ourselves harshly. We can fall prey to calling ourselves losers, lazy, unworthy of success, and a host of other derogatory names.
In 2009, I didn’t finish my memoir. Nor did I start a family. These were my two highest priorities for the year. So I guess you might say that I failed. I did, however, unexpectedly spend four months having fantastic adventures on Expedition: Blue Planet, traveling to India, Botswana, and the Middle East. I served the planet by raising awareness of critical environmental issues. I added to my skill set by learning how to write documentary films. I edited a memoir, and co-authored an entire book about inspirational women over forty. I spent precious time with my family in China. I learned more about who I am and what I want in a life partner, how to hold myself during lonely times, how to push myself to my physical limits, and how to let go of my anxiety.
Patty Ivey, a yoga instructor and studio owner in Washington, DC whom I admire greatly, recently told me, “When people come into yoga and ask me for a pose to fix their aching back, I tell them there’s no such thing. We do yoga for the entire body. You’ll only fix the part by working the whole.” So it is with our lives, Patty then pointed out. It can be dangerous to break our lives down into pieces, causing us to lose sight of the bigger picture.
And so, during this time of reflection, we can fixate on what we did or didn’t get done this past year. We can feel elation at certain achievements and transformations, disappointment at so-called failures, and sadness at losses that occurred within the past 12 months. But the question to ask ourselves is not simply, “Did I meet my goals for the year?” The more valuable question is, “How did this year fit into the greater story of my life?”
[Note: This is my latest contribution to the Stanford Alumni Association's Living Well blog.)
Apr 16, 2010 at 4:33 am
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As the year draws to a close and the days grow short, we tend to turn inwards…..